either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
