I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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