her facebook's as public as her vagina
vagina is talking i cant
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
you made out with another girl for some wings
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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