Moan for me like Helen Keller
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
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It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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