I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
