we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
