Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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