Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Randomize
