if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
