i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
