Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
