connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
