I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
