If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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