Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
God, I missed his penis.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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