So drunk its hurt
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose