I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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