i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
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I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?