Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
