I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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