saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
