I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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