Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
