I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize