it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
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Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize