you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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