Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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