you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She even gives head with a lisp.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.