did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just threw up on my dentist
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.