My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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