I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
