Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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