All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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