They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
