i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
