he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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