a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just had sex on a roof
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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