Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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