mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
