i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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