I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
