dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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