some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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