I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
