I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
