I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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