Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
