no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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