her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
