Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
