the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You ruined the universe
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
