just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
