you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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