You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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