pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.