it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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