I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT